ISTBO- Manoh has given us a heatwave.

Happy Solstice! Today we celebrate the sun coming to its senses and ceasing to get up so bloody early. It's the day when we pass from the rule of the Oak King to the rule of the Holly King, complete with symbolic sacrifice of the outgoing ruler (Sainsbury's Crispy Salad with Oak Leaf). But don't worry, he'll be rising again. Such was always the way of gods. Being anthropomorphic personifications of masculine energies the Holly and Oak Kings are by nature lazy beasts, and have eschewed full time godding in favour of a fifty-fifty time share. This, as every Londoner knows by the signs of unbearable heat on the tubes, a sun that shines brilliantly on weekdays and sods off about 3.30 Friday afternoon and tiny little tops being shunted to the sale racks in favour of jumpers only just thick enough for a summer Sunday, basically means the run up to Christmas has begun.
In honour of solstice, ISTBO has issued the following collection of freebies to save you all the time and money of buying and reading newspapers over the coming months. Y'all have fairy lights to untangle and stocking fillers to sort out.

Wimbledon: Scientists have conclusively proved that the thunderstorms that will inevitably congregate on the first weekend of Wimbledon are caused by the build up of reluctant cynical pondering over Tim Henman's chances. This tension will dissipate when the spectators realise in a flash of blinding inspiration that he's naught but granny pleasing semi-fodder on a good day, and no day when Cliff Richard is within warbling distance of a microphone can be a good day.

Litter: A study has shown that London is a most littery city. A brief glance around has confirmed this. ISTBO suggests we forget the shop-funded street sweepers ("McSkivvies") and 'Hoodie Shelters' and skip straight to the heavily armed police and sniper cameras. Alternatively we could attempt to engage the yoof by declaring this cesspit a gallery and offering them prizes, modern art having been conclusively proved in the early nineties to be rubbish. There's a guy in Muswell Hill who paints the chewing gum on the pavement. Perhaps the litter louts could be persuaded to re-develop run down areas by painting colourful cultural icons on the walls and ramming cans onto the spikes on railings with attention to notions of composition and the symbolism of consumerism and the impalement of the individual by society. Or, like I said, heavily armed police.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes:.....Whatever.

Buses:As the spending of vast amounts of money on an enquiry into Standards Of Bus Driving In London begins, here is what it will find:
Drivers often have too poor a grasp of the English language to communicate effectively with passengers. This causes delay at bus stops, and safety experts fear that in the event of an emergency lives may be lost due to passengers not being able to understand safety instructions given to them, or the drivers being unable to read said safety instructions in the first place. Many of the aforementioned drivers have English as a first language.
Drivers are rude and aggressive, sometimes openly asking for a good slap. They lack any concept of transport being a public service industry, that they are a representative of the company to whom all responsibility for any problems with the bus or ticket equipment falls, or that their job involves more than merely making the bus move. They shout, swear, insult and threaten passengers, and purposely wait until the people running to catch the bus are nearly at the doors, then shut them and drive off.
Drivers have no regard for safety, allowing the busses to become overcrowded, shutting doors on little old ladies, pulling off at high speed when the 'less able to stand' have not sat down yet, reading newspapers on their laps whilst driving, and generally driving like a speed-freak in a special stock car race for cunts.

Wristbands: Charity wristbands are great. They spark childlike covetousness in me and remind me of when I was little and used to go to a swimming pool that had similar wristbands and lights in the corresponding colurs to tell you when your time was up. "Would all those aware of the tsunami please get out of the water...." ISTBO is considering releasing our own range of BO!Bands, and would like to know if anyone would like one of the following:
Crap Rock Awareness- Orange, reads 'Make Docherty History'
Save The Cows- Black and white, reads 'Give Cheese A Chance'
Road Safety- Luminous yellow, reads 'LOOK OUT FOR THAT BUS!'
Bring Back Communism- Red, reads 'Make Property History'
AntiChav- British racing green, reads 'Make Burberry History'
Campaign for unbreakable crockery- Wedgewood blue, reads 'Make Pottery History'

Eastenders: With the return of Sharon 'The Walford Yo-Yo' Watts back in da square, the only real question now is how long it will be this time before she glides off in a taxi. MiniDen now owns the bookies and a budding antagonism with Johnny Allen. As Bleeding Obviousness goes, this one's a beut. The bookies needs must end up in the hands of Johnny Allen, but by the time he makes an approach to MiniDen, the gurning one will be utterly preoccupied with the fate of Den, Chrissie's reluctance to talk having convinced him gangstas are involved. As the only significant Bad in town, MiniDen will make the condition on which he sells the bookies to Johnny that Johnny finds out what happened to his dad. Johnny will work it out in about five minutes, but agrees to tell MiniDen that Andy killed Den then was dispatched by an old ally of Den's, on the condition that Chrissie sells him the Vic and leaves town for good. And thus Johnny owns the known world.