Scurrle- The World In Briefs

Two truths of the universe:
1) Bitching Burns Calories
2) Pack 4 Chocolate Muffins 2 for £1.50 in Tescos

Thus to redress the balance I hereby take you all through today's B Plan Exercise Session. Lo as the road to hell is paved with good intentions, I am she who lays hardcore, gravel and sand on the way before you.

Sharon Stone has adopted a child she has named Laird Vonne Stone. When I get a cat I shall name it Baroness Mc Bendall in tribute to her inflated stupidity. That's right up there with Prince Michael 2.

Philip Green didn't give his son a Bar Mitzvah present except.... Beyonce! On the other hand he did invite Michael Winner to the party. What better way to teach your son about being a man? "Well, son, I have some good news and some bad news about adult life....."

Ant & Dec The Movie. This is the worst news I've heard all year. Watch out for inevitable "He cannae see!" reference.

Kelly Osbourne is having singing lessons because she wants to be in Hairspray on Broadway. Even her dad thinks she ought to give up singing, is it really a good idea to let her think she's any good at it?

What Do You Expect Us To Say Quote of the week: Chris Martin "Fame isn't all it is cracked up to be." Altogether now 1,2,3- Neither are Coldplay.

Celebrity Love Island: Lee Sharpe, Paul Danan, Calum Best, Du'aine Ladejo, Fran Cosgrove, Michael Greco, Jayne Middlemiss, Rebecca Loos, Abi Titmuss, Isabella Hervy, Liz mcCarnon, Judith Shekoni. Almost 'nuff said. Best chance for 'action': Loos & Titmuss. In fact it's practically inevitable.

Michael Jackson has sold Neverland Ranch. ISTBO predict the buyer will turn out to be Eminem, that he's bought it out of spite and to cause controversy by having helped fund Jackson's defence by buying it. ISTBO predict an Eminem video will have been filmed there by the end of the year whoever bought it.

Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes are definitely faking it.

Now that we're nicely warmed up, we move on to the Permacaption part of the session. Permacaption is a phenomenon affecting certain celebrities, taking the form of a phrase so tied to them that their image alone could stand for it as a pictogram. It is what you always think/feel when their face hoves into view on page or screen.

Paris Hilton- Oh Put It Away
Renee Zellweger- Desperate
Michael Jackson- Eeurrghch!
Nicolette Sheridan- Man.
Pamela Anderson- You'll do your back in standing like that.
Anna Nicole Smith- Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ~cover face with hands~
Jessica Simpson- Whap! ~backhand fly swatting motion~
Teri Hatcher- ~Somewhere between cringing and the sensation of something crawling up your leg ten minutes after you saw a really big spider you can't see now~
Katie Holmes- Slap Me
Kirstie Alley- The Less Of Me There Is, The Better.
Goldie Hawn- Out To Pasture
Elton John- The Artist Your Mute Button Was Made For
Tori Spelling- It's Over, Go Home.
Denise Richards- Duckface
Lindsay Lohan- Nasty
Tara Reid- I'd Have Gotten Away With It If It Wasn't For These Pesky Tits
Britney Spears- Romford, Kentucky
Tom Cruise- Run

Feel the burn!
It is important now not to just stop all of a sudden. As with all exercise you must warm down gently. Thus we move to Eastenders to finish our workout; a few gentle streatches of the prediction muscle to round things off.

Cat returns and Little Mo doesn't want to tell her straight away about Alfie so Cat thinks she has a chance at a reunion, behaves utterly and increasingly embarassingly, then catches them at it and leaves again. Expect this to drag on tediously for 4-8 weeks.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Tina killed Ruby's mum and sister.

Dot will run over either Jim's foot (leading to him malingering long after the injury has healed etc etc) or Betty.

Zoe will be leaving soon.

Phil is coming. Soon.

And Relax.