Twinkle Twinkle To See You Nice

It's Back! In but nineteen days, upon the 15th October, lovely old Brucey and Vernon Kaye's Much Better Looking Wife return to us with the fabulous Strictly Come Dancing! The show that brings you all of the childhood joy of pretty dresses and twirling around without the sting of the teenage realization that the girls we thought we wanted to be are actually chubby orange Northerners with all the self awareness of a tan leather couch.

The following Monday sees the return of our daily fix It Takes Two, which allows us to criticize the music choices, speculate as to whether the chosen dress colour will suit the female celebrity, see who's rowing with their partner, watch celebs fall over AND get a look at the form in order to place our bets before the Saturday night show. To top it off, It Takes Two is presented by Claudia Winkleman, who as we all know is a bad bitch of the finest kind.

Strictly Come Dancing is an island of niceness in a TV schedule full of rape, murder and anodyne blondes with no talent. There's just nothing Wrong about it at all, unless you count that awful Dracula routine to 'Wake Me Up' last year. It contains all manner of lessons and morals for us all, and if you have digital you can press the red button and a guy who reminds me a bit of my grandad will teach you how to do the dances! Here's what you can learn:




It's ok to be pretty, intelligent and talented.
Of course we knew this, but it doesn't hurt to have Natasha Kaplinsky to quote as an example.

Even butch girls can be beautiful.

Denise Richards was absolutely robbed last year. She looked fabulous all the way through, without for one minute compromising her althleticism. She looked like a real Dancer, unlike Butlin's Redcoat Showgirl Jill Halfpenny.

As a nation, we'd be nothing without Brucey.
He finally found his ideal niche, a band, a disco ball, pretty ladies, dinner dress every night. And can you imagine it presented by anyone else? Let's face it, Norton just doesn't have Brucey's style.

Old School London Gentlemen rule. Len Goodman is a total hero. He's so nice you'd let him dance with your gran. He demonstrates you don't have to be as camp as a row of tents to judge ballroom dancing, or an Orange Bitch Exhibitionist to give TV-worthy criticism. He and Brucey together demonstrate how to give a compliment to a lady, and how to make a slightly cheeky joke without coming across as sleazy or embarrassing.

It's ok to hate gay people.
If they're Craig Revel Horwood OBE.

Sequins Are Good.
After Jordan's wedding Swarofski is Dead, Long Live the Sequin! Sequins are retro and sparkly and make you feel brilliant. One of the best things about being a Grown Up (amongst being able to sit where you like on the bus and not having to eat stuff you don't like) is being allowed to wear sparkly dressing up clothes whenever you want.

You can wear sequins for work. You can, you know. And people don't throw things at you, they say "Why Moon, where did you get those lovely aqua sequin shoes and that fabulous purple sequin belt?" "Shelly's- £25, and Top Shop- £15" I inform them, as everyone should feel as good as this, like Barbie, but in a more good, honest cheap way.

Dancing makes everyone feel good.
Especially when wearing sequins.

Celebrity Reality TV does not have to make you want to die.
It can make you want to be famous just so someone will teach you to dance and make you a new pretty, sparkly costume to wear every week. And really, can you think of a better reason to be famous?