Demand an Enquiry!

As enquiries have replaced spin doctors as the government's favorite way of getting out of sticky situations, it is my opinion that we the general public should be able to call enquiries about things we are interested in purely out of malicious amusement. Like Prince Harry. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear...
Firstly there's the issue of whether he's really our problem or not. As far as I remember the last ginger royal was Elizabeth I, and I'm pretty sure the throne's passed through the hands of several royal families not exactly directly related to the current one since then. This is not to say I think daddy's a certain toff prone to getting himself in the tabloids for drugs, outrageous behavior in public, inappropriate comments and generally richly degrading himself on a regular basis, although obviously there are similarities. I think the slight resemblance between Harry and Charles in profile is a coincidence; most rich, inbred men look like that. Lets just say there's a touch of the "milkman" in evidence, and you get a nice class of milkmen in that neck of the woods. Hem.
Secondly there's this idea that it's a good idea for him to go into the military, because it might (to quote a royal correspondent on ITV this morning) "knock some of the stupidity out of him". It's easier to just list why not:
1) Ginger prince. He'll get killed before he's even got the uniform on.
2)If he's really as stupid as he seems, don't give him a gun.
3)That soldiers can be said to have had some of the stupidity knocked out of them speaks only to the sort of people who join the army in the first place.
4)If that was true it would have worked on his uncle.
5)Surely he's enough of a nob already?
6)Given 5), surely he should be kept away from anywhere he can do real harm?
7)Don't people usually join daddy's regiment? Oh, is he?
Thirdly there's the issue of his behavior. The issue is that we know about it. Smoke a spliff by all means, and if you can land one on a paparazzi no one could expect you not to, and if you must get ratted and embarrass yourself, fine BUT DON'T GET CAUGHT. How dumb do you have to be? It's not like his family is short of space to lose yourself in if you fancy a sly whatever, and that's without leaving whichever building you're in. If you're a member of the royal family, you know people are trying to catch you out, and you're ginger so you stick out like a sore thumb, get a bobble hat and GAP hoodie on and skulk in the woods with a peace sign tin from Camden and a three liter bottle of cider like normal children. Don't go to a 'Natives and Colonials' themed party in a Nazi uniform (any comments from historians as to whether Nazis as opposed to Germans count as colonials or just occupiers welcome). Don't go to a 'Natives and Colonials' party at all. Even if it is grandad's birthday. It comes to something when William can get away with being at the same party in leopard skin (actual money to not see that photo) without anyone noticing just by going with his brother.
And we're paying for all this. I demand an enquiry to address the following issues: Harry, what are you doing, where's your brain, and who's ya daddy?