FAQ: Just what exactly is your problem young lady?

Legend has it that when Brian Eno was on Desert Island Discs he chose a giant man eating spider as his luxury, on the basis that it would keep him on his toes and force him to be creative. I think everyone has their own Giant Man Eating Spider, a thing they're constantly trying to outrun, but is nevertheless a gift because it's what keeps them going. Last night in a moment of sparkling shiraz fuelled clarity I worked out what mine was. It was something my charming father said in an email to another member of my family about liking to have that branch of the family "where you can see them" (you can see where I get my effortless charm and compassion from) that reminded me of the Giant Man Eating Spider, and having it and the aforementioned father, as it were, where I could see them both at the same time, I realized it's actually a family spider, and its name is Smithy. Smithy is the principle that if you're not involved in the process, you can't comment on the outcome.
Smithy is the reason my grandad responded to getting blown up twice by working with young people in inner city London for decades. Smithy is the reason my dad perseveres in jobs most sane people would run a mile from as soon as they saw the workload. Smithy is the reason I've seen a number of things through that have had the same general effect on my health and sanity as Cenobites have on the curious. Smithy sits there with a teacher like expression on his face that makes it perfectly clear that having a fair idea how things ought to be absolutely obliges you to do something about it. Smithy is responsible for me putting my hand up in class and answering questions eventually because I couldn't stand sitting there waiting for something to happen. Smithy is responsible for endless pointless extra curricular activities. He is responsible for numerous sporting injuries (not mine, clearly), pneumonia, exhaustion, frustration, and a tendency to need constant data input to the brain. Smithy is also responsible for my rage, as he doesn't stop chasing me just because there's nothing in the wide world I can do about whatever hideousness the world is visiting upon itself today.
I urge all of you to get to know your Giant Man Eating Spider, give him a name and take him out for a drink. You may as well get along, that island's gonna have to be big enough for the both of you.