Train Your Own Police Dog

What a cutie! You wouldn't think he'd grow up to be a vicious Police attack dog, would you? Well now you have a chance to help him be so much more than that. The Police are looking for people willing to bring up Alsatian puppies for ten months in order to 'socialize' them. Great, you're thinking, a totally untrained Alsatian puppy loose in my house, that's exactly what I need. But pause for a moment and consider the wonderful range of possibilities if you can get in there first and teach the little sweetie a few tricks before the police trainers get at him.
Our current favourite is 'Green Retriever'. You train the dog to recognise the smell of weed, and whenever he smells it to grab it in his fearsome jaws, run off with it and bury it where no one can see, then return calmly to his handler. You then take a second dog, who you have trained to follow the scent of the first, and take him for walkies with a spade, digging up and retrieving all the herb (Copyright Deep Shine).
Other suggested 'new tricks' include running slower when chasing skateboarders (unsurprisingly also copyright DS), pissing on flash bastard motors, violently attacking the source of the sound when hearing the 'Crazy Frog' ringtone, slobbering affectionately all over the uniforms of senior police brass on public occasions, and regarding all those wearing hoodies as puppies to be wrestled down, gripped by the scruff of the neck and dragged back to base.
The Police will pay for the vet's bills and food etc, and as we all know they really need our support at the moment, so lets all pull together and help train the Police force we all really want.