I'm Changing My Name To Numchuck Vitch

I am increasingly distressed by the epidemic of utterly stupid baby names that seems to have been picking up pace since the 60s. It's taken me long enough to get used to mine, which my parents claim they picked because they were thinking of Claudine but couldn't bear the thought of the way people in our local area at the time would pronounce it, so went for mine instead. I have to say I'd not have been keen on it however it was pronounced, so I'm grateful in a qualified 'no bugger ever spells it right and if I hear the D word one more time someone will lose a limb' kind of way. But they did at least put some thought into it, and took care not to saddle me with anything that would get the crap kicked out of me at school. These days that kind of thing doesn't seem to bother people. They don't seem to realise having children is not about fulfilling their own whims and making themselves feel the way they want to feel. So you can start by not inflicting some totally ridiculous name on them because you think it says something about you. Here are a few of my favourite stupid names and suggestions for similar types of names you may like to never ever consider giving any children you may have.

Paris Hilton - Paris is a boy's name, and who wants to be named after a hotel? Alternative suggestion: Grimsby Ritz

Prince Michael Jackson - They're not royalty, so people will call them Prince. Which is a dog's name. Alternative suggestion: Rover

Cruz Beckham- As Alistair McGowan said as David Beckham "Partly because he was conceived on a cruise around the Mediterranean [oooh-harsh!] and partly because it means cross, which is what he'll be when he finds out what his name is" and it's a girl's name. Alternative suggestion: Piscina

Beyonce Knowles- because it was her mother's maiden name. Not a good trend to start. If my mum had done that I'd be called Parrott.

Apple Martin- given the parents were famous for getting lashed on apple martinis, I can only imagine they named her after what they were drunk on when she was conceived (actually my dad claims I've got my middle name cos that's who's house they were staying at when they got drunk and had "a bit of a cock up on the contraception front". Questions not to ask when you're seven. Or to ask my dad ever. Gee, Officer Krupky...) Alternative suggestion: Scrumpy Jack

Mercedes/Armarni- there's been a lot of this about lately. I wonder if it's on the Brooklyn Beckham principle..... But naming a kids after luxury brand? Why? Because you can't afford an actual whatever it is? Alternative suggestion: Smeg

Frances Bean Cobain- Because she looked like a bean on the ultrasound. The relevance of that nickname has a lifespan of about a week. Alternative suggestion: Wetpatch

Scout Willis- Scout? Alternative suggestion: Brownie Guide

****** Spears-Federline- I am leaving this space blank in anticipation.....