Woh-oh Black Betty Bam-A-Lam

In gratitude to Ms. Jagger and 'Er Maj I declare it to be National Elizabeth Week.
You may wonder why I'm even bothered about Little Miss Juicy Tubes doorway antics. It is a dark and sordid tale indeed, and usually I'd take those 'censored' patches in the News of the World to mean nothing actually happened but we're damned if we'll let on. However my special secret source -who shall be known only as Deep Shine- confirms that the camera they were caught on is tiny and hidden in a huge black glass chandelier, and all that's visible is a little red light (which she would have seen if she'd had her eyes open), so I'm not surprised she didn't notice she was being had hem hem. The management of Kabarets Prophecy, according to Deep Shine, were rather surprised that the tape from the tiny camera made it all the way to the News of the World all on its own, although Deep Shine says he's been in the CCTV room, and apparently the only mystery is why it took so long to get there. And indeed that it took til Monday for the Polis to come and start wondering the same thing. It was as a result of the arrival of the Polis that Deep Shine got a day off, and I got to spend the day playing snooker and being not un-juicy myself. So ta Lizzie. And in future remember, with the lights out, it's less dangerous.
I'm celebrating the other Elizabeth not only for the 'be careful what you pray for' incident, but also for today's masterstroke: I will not be attending the wedding ceremony because then it wouldn't be 'low key'. The woman's an evil genius! That has to be the put down of the century! So the story of this relationship is a decades long tale of scandal, betrayal, interviews with Bashir, trials, tribulations and general endless tabloid fodder, the bride is the only person in the country who gets slagged of for her looks more than Cherie Blair and she'll be in wedding gear, the papers want photos of William to please the little girls, Harry for the fashion page, and Charles to compare his facial expression with the photos from his first wedding, but if the Queen turns up then it wont be 'low key'? I may have to ditch Eastenders in favour of 'Majesty' magazine. And if I was the Duke of Edinburgh, I'd check the basement for plumbing work and remove any dog shaped ornaments from the palace.
This brings me to a possible final Elizabeth. I believe Pauline Fowler's dog is called Betty, surely making that little black dog (ahhhh Den, should have seen that coming! The Black Dog! The Black Dog!) a ceramic Betty. Thus meaning Betty killed Den. This also necessitates a re-reckoning of the scores. As the daffodils failed to kill Den, the previous scores are wiped and now read Plantlife 0 (Phil didn't die) - Pauline Fowler's Kitchen Accoutrements 2 (Den and Trevah).
Love a Liz today!