New Year's Revelations

1) Why beautiful famous people marry/shag and have children with ugly people:

So they can blame their inherited pre-surgery nose on their partner.

2) Everyone loses at political Chicken:

They've started wars, they've taken bribes for honours, they've wasted valuable parliamentary time on bills to standardise the length of hamsters, but still we can't pull away because then we'd get the conservatives back.

3) Just because they're after you doesn't mean you're paranoid:

If they send you a letter without you expressing an interest, they're breaking the law, if they call you without your permission, they're breaking the law. If they email you without your permission, they're breaking the law. But Human Spam can jump out at you and dance in your path in the street, trying to decapitate you with their free Newsaccino (purple or Burgundy, take your choice)/ fliers/ phone cards/ temp magazines/ hard sell bully tactic Jewish-Grandmother-At-Hanukkah-Would-Be-Ashamed-Of-It Guilt trip, probably not legit, £3 a month and give me your bank details in the street and I'll still try to stop you tomorrow Chugger routine/ drunken or drugged plea to buy the Big Issue and if you buy it once they pretend you're their friend/ fake gypsy 'Give me paper money', AND YOU PUT UP WITH IT! What's wrong with you people? If they have purposely intercepted you you can argue self defence due to harassment, if the good lords had meant you to be pacifists, hey wouldn't have allowed you to evolve fists or high heels.

4) There is always another shoe, even if two have dropped already:

You think it can't get any worse but:

One grandad dying on your twenty first birthday doesn't mean the other one won't die on Christmas eve, of almost-certainly-smoking-induced cancer, so you can't go outside and have a cigarette and cry quietly, which is how all decent people deal with things.

Your family are all clinically insane, and there is one who WILL kick off at the funeral, so you're going with £40 in your pocket to take his (same age as you) kids to the pub while a swiftly elected family member takes him round the corner and kicks his head in, plus a packet of fags so we can begin to begin our coping process once grandma can't see us. (You just wait and see...)

All this will happen in the actual very last place that anyone would want to be at this time of year, including the blokes off 'Deadliest Catch'.

Everyone else may have been a total bitch/ kicked off unreasonably at the slightest little thing/ been a total bully, sniping pain in the arse, or have a temper they don't even seem to be trying to control, but get a bit pissed off because someone is bitching/bullying/sniping at you, and stand up for yourself for once, and you WILL be ranted at and blamed for everything that ever went wrong in your life, usually by the person who was actually responsible.

Never mind what stable view you have of your family, or how many skeletons have already come out of the closet, there will be something else. Not revealed in the middle of the service, cos that's TV, but when everyone is only one sherry in back at grandmas. (Ok, it hasn't happened yet, but trust me...)

You will, as a pagan, sat next to your mum's Very Christian best friend at the funeral, who will glare at you for not singing hymns or saying the lord's prayer.

As you may have guessed, I haven't had the best festive season.