ISTBO- Bridget Jones' Dairy

Today we're loving Gordon Ramsey. I haven't always approved of him as such, because to the untrained eye he looks a lot like a loudmouthed twat, but as time has worn on, the effect has worn off, and it turns out in fact that he is a bloody genius. My interest was piqued in the first place when Deep Shine had a hand in the refurbishment of the Connaught Dining Room. Apparently Gordon bitched and ranted and raved about the work of every trade that passed through the place except Deep Shine's. Shame, really, I would have given actual money for CCTV footage of that little tete a tete. And probably received lots more money for the sale of it. But you can't knock the man for knowing quality work when he sees it. Having watched 'Kitchen Nightmares', I have to say he's a wise, fair and utterly effective chap.

ISTBO would therefore like to offer the marvelous Mr. Gordon Ramsey the job of ISTBO Minister For Things Which Needed Saying. In fact we'd make him actual Prime Minister if such was in any way possible. Just imagine George Bush (or anyone really) trying to get him to do, well, anything he didn't want to. Imagine him versus whichever of Tweedleold and Tweedleyoung wins the Tory leadership contest. Ah, such a lovely dream... For the meanwhile, however, we shall just insist everybody listen to him and does as he says.
We applaud and back utterly his campaign to get women back into the kitchen. A short while ago I had my mother in law, henceforth known as Mil, and my brother in law (Bil1) round for dinner. They are vegetarian, the vast majority of vegetarian dishes seem to contain peppers, to which I am allergic, and I have no proper oven, so I was very concerned not to feed them totally boring food, so I went with mixed root vegetable chips, a salad, and little olive oil and garlic toasts with goats cheese and caramelised onions. It'll have to do, I thought. Mil was totally impressed. I was bloody gobsmacked. "You're so clever!" she said. "I've never cooked food like this." I smile sweetly and offer third helpings, but inside I'm screaming FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN YOU'RE FORTY YEARS OLD, PULL YOUR SOCKS UP AND STOP LETTING THE SIDE DOWN. Yes, I am a natural talent, and can fly free of recipe books most of the time, but I know for a fact the woman can read, dammit, so there's no excuse. With four sons there is also no shortage of galley slaveage, she need not peel or chop a thing. I should be being entrusted with ancient family recipies by this woman, not explaining to her what a caramelised onion is.
Let this be rightly understood: You Should Be Able To Cook. It is SO important. You absolutely cannot live a healthy life on pre-packed processed food. It is bad for you. Look at the labels, f'rcryin'outloud! Fancy some Canthaxanthin? Thiabendazole? Do these sound like things you should eat? No, they sound like hazardous chemicals or cancer drugs. E513, should you happen to see it on the packet, is Sulphuric Acid. And an old chemistry teacher at my school told us he used to work at the Walker's crisps flavoring factory, and the staff had the same cancer incidence as a nuclear power station. Only eat ACTUAL FOOD. Commonfuckin'sense. Being able to cook gives you almost total control over what goes into your body. It also gives you tasty meals to your own specifications every night, a sense of satisfaction, and the ability to entertain lavishly for less money, and more kudos. More mmmmmm and ahhhh than Your M&S.
So everybody please watch Gordon, listen to him, do like he does. Season with profanity according to taste.
For women it is important to be able to cook because we should under no circumstances allow men to be better at anything than we are, with the exceptions of growing body hair and anything we can't be bothered with because it's too stupid, like football. Gordon is laboring under the delusion that women who can cook aren't sexy. Gordon, hon, you're a millionaire ex-footballer TV personality. Sexy, intelligent, capable women won't be interested in you because you're clearly too high maintenance. Ickle bimbos will be interested in you for your money. The sort of women who men open doors for because they don't look like they'll be able to work out how to do it themselves. You will also meet unsexy clever women who having clocked the other kind and rightly weighed their chances, will seek from you what they think they can get: recipies and cooking tips. Women like me, valuable above rubies as we are, have been snapped up already and are being treated to dinner at your restaurant by our husbands, not trying to meet and pull the chef.
In addition to Minister Ramsey, ISTBO's headhunt hitlist also includes Neil French, who we would like to offer the position of Unspin Doctor, to translate for us from advertising into English. Mr. French has gained our attention for stating that the reason that there are not many women at the top in business is that they all "wimp out and go suckle something". Yes! Hallelujah! Someone said it!
You cannot take months or years long breaks from your career, rusting while your colleagues gain experience, return to work putting in less effort and less hours, being off work more frequently, and always always having your job take second place at best, then demand the same pay, advancement opportunities and respect as people who don't do any of these things. That's not equality, it's blatant flaming cheek. It's not fair on the rest of us. And because of it companies are more wary of employing women. I don't blame them. Just show me where to sign to promise I wont be doing it to them. If you want to be a mother, be a mother. Just don't expect to have a job that requires a similar amount of effort and dedication at the same time, you can't do it, and it's not fair on your kids or your colleagues.
First famous person to get in the news for saying "Parents need to understand their children are nothing but a bloody inconvenience to the rest of the world, and take responsibility for minimizing that inconvenience as much as possible." or similar can have the job of ISTBO Home Secretary.