Regardez la! N'est-ce que pas un badger avec un fusil?

So anyway, I went to get contacts.

Strangely I had no problem mauling my eyeball, as I was too busy swearing at my too small eyes for getting in the way. I clearly did not let the Specsaver chappy put them in for me.

“Most people find it easier if we put them in.”
“Well most people are stupid then. It’s one thing putting my own finger in my eye, but it’s quite another letting someone else do it. Do not try to put my contacts in for me, as being bitten very hard on the hand may offend.”

So I’ve got the damn things in, not bad once I’d worked out an eyelid restraint technique that actually worked (and the other girl getting contacts gifted me with a make up remover wipe- eye shadow does not aid grip), now I’ve got to get them out again.

“Pinch your eyeball.” Says the French woman ‘teaching’ us.
“No offence but ~short string of expletives~.” Says I.
“Try sliding it to the corner of your eye.” Says elle.
“Mon oeil” says I “is even narrower at the corner, no? Ergo it is harder yet to get at the edges. Non! So trop pour vous, eh? I shall try Meg’s Way.”
"Qu'est ce c'est la 'Meg's Way'?"

Well Meg's Way is to open the eye really wide avec one's fingers, and get the edges of the eyelids to catch the sides of the contact, thus flicking it out.

It differs from the Specsavers and French methods (pinching eyeballs is no English idea, I can tell you) in that it:
A) actually works, and
B) doesn't hurt.

"Zees is not an ideal solution. You weell lose the contact to the floor."
"C'est un disposable lens, frankly ma petite fromage, je ne donne un damn. I am going home now with my contact lenses."

Which I did, and now I have reclaimed my face from my glasses, and Meg shalt be bought at least one very large gin, and I won't tell anyone if she doesn't put any tonic in it. So I reveal to you... the New Moon!

Everything's Gone All Wierd

I found out last night that I might have been drinking petrol for the last few days. Apparently there is something oil or petrol like leaking into our water supply. I had to wash my hair last night using bottles of cold water.

Now I feel deeply unusual. And everything has gone all wierd. Stuff we didn't order and don't need has turned up over night in my office, objects seem to be appearing and disappearing, and I'm very very spaced. Last time everything felt this wierd and wrong- and I know it doesn't sound very wierd but it feels very wierd- I very narrowly avoided getting blown up at Aldgate. Another previous time I felt like this I turned on the telly and saw live film of a building with smoke pouring out, then two seconds later a plane flew into the building next to it.


I checked the BBC news site to see if a large country had sunk into the sea or something, and all I found was this:

For some reason I find this incredibly funny... I don't know why.

Then I remebered that when I got up this morning and wasn't really awake I brushed my teeth from the tap. This accouhts for the fact that my mouth tastes like petrol and feels all greasy. So I looked up drinking petrol online, and apparently it makes you high.

No kidding...

This doesn't account for the fact that I'm not the only person who thinks everything's all wierd today, however, so we might still get World War Three of the La Palma megatsunami.