ISTBO-Blowing Up Chingford

Before all ranting begins I must take a minute to congratulate our great and glorious leader and his wife Sarah on the birth of their son. Donald, chum, you have absolutely no idea what you're letting yourself in for. Right. Down to business. Last night channel five delivered unto me a program about blowing up a tower block in Chingford. Apparently in order to make a building collapse in that neat tidy fashion you see on clips of Jim'll Fix It requires strings of carefully placed carefully timed small blasts placed all over the building, which naturally necessitates there being people whose job it is to put them there. And indeed to go in and find out what went wrong if they don't go off. This is almost the same as going back to a firework that hasn't gone off except much much more stupid. Anyway, in the end they blew up the building and it came down just as it was meant to, not destroying any of the local area. Proper job. Where's Al Quaeda when you need them? In the light of the shocking statistics about men being 250% more likely to die in an 'accident', and the aforementioned likely common factor in those 'accidents', I would like to point out for anyone clumsy (and I'm clumsy, this is how I know these things), male or just plain stupid that the following things are very very stupid things to do: Blowing things up Going very fast Being dragged along behind something Jumping off things Jumping over things Riding motorbikes Interacting with dangerous or wild animals Going to places no one ever goes Standing on top of moving things Climbing things without ropes etc Setting fire to things Doing tricks on wheeled vehicles, motorised or otherwise And- and I saw Fifth Gear last night and can't believe I have to tell people this- letting a seventeen year old boy drive your £125,000 Porsche at 200mph or getting into a £125,000 Porsche with a nineteen year old who is attempting to drive it at 200mph. Please do not mistake the fact that Steve Irwin or Kate bloody Hummingbird or whatever her name is are doing it on the TV means it's safe if you know what you're doing. It's not, you don't anyway, and they don't, they just told you they don't, they just know what they've done so far hasn't actually got them killed yet. TV is full of people doing really really stupid things. Become a statistic if you must, but please don't become a late night channel five clips show.

ISTBO- Go Sir Jamie!

I know that this is an occupational hazard for someone who is not only the founder of ISTBO, but also a member of the Liberal Democrats, but being right all the time can take a little of the fun out of things. For is it not written that the thrill of gambling is in not what you might win, but in what you have to lose? (Yes, it is.) Did I not say that Jamie would solve nothing with his school dinners program? Did I not say that fat kids= bad parents? Why I think we're all very well aware that I did. And what did I hear on the most reliable source of information (BBC Radio4, FYI it are nearly lambing time)? That the practical upshot of 'Jamie's School Dinners' is not that the government is giving more money to schools for dinners, as what has been promised may not in fact be new money. In fact it would have been the most blindingly fast piece of political solvery ever if it had been. No, what he's really done is cause shedloads of parents to stop paying for school dinners and give their kids packed lunches instead. So, ta, Nora, here's yer marching orders! Now an optimistic person might think the parents are horrified at the crap their kids were being fed and have decided to take their little darling's health into their own hands. But this is ISTBO, darlings, so lets State The Bleeding Obvious: 1) Parents knew that school meals sucked before that program 2) Parents knew precisely what was in the crap they feed kids at school because they feed them exactly the same crap at home 3)It's not the old style school meals putting the parents off, it's the kids saying "If they're going to give us Jamie stuff for school dinners I'm having a packed lunch." 4)Said packed lunches will consist of: a Bernard Matthews turkey ham sandwich (which will go in the bin), a 'Big Eat' sized packet of Prawn Cocktail crisps, a jumbo sized Kit kat, a chocolate muffin and a half litre bottle of Fanta. 5) If seeing Rebecca Loos and that pig wont put kids off turkey twizzlers, nothing will.

Lies Damn Lies

I found these on the 'Odds and Statistics' page of a website called Christianonestop.com, which someone in my office got when they were looking up the number of rivets in the Eiffel Tower (don't ask).


Over 85% of U.S. Households own a pet. Over 75% of these pets can do at least one trick.

And the owners?

Percentage of couples that lock their bedroom door before going to sleep? 8.7%

Percentage of those with children? 100%

Percentage of us that smooth out tinfoil to reuse it later? 44%

What? Do you know anyone who does this?

Percentage of Americans who can't remember what article of clothing they put on first that morning? 22%

Why? Who doesn't put thier undies on first? Apart from Superman.

Number of Smiley Face buttons sold in 1971? Ans: 50 million

Aciiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid!

Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%

Percentage whose wife wasn't there when they were asked, 20%. Do you think the woman they all would have married was Pamela Anderson?

Percentage of American women who say they'd marry the same man if they had it to do all over again: 50%

How much more often do men injure themselves on stairs compared to women? 50% more often.

Ah! Up and forward at the same time, how do any of you manage it?

Average number of times you fall in love during your life? 6

Fuck off. So that's people who do know what they're talking about, one or two, people who don't, fifteen...

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%

Odds that your next meal will be from McDonald's: 1 in 8

Actually it's one in one, I have a hangover.

Percentage of grown men who sleep with a stuffed animal? 5% (its 20% for women).

Liars!

Percentage of us who would rather try to swallow food we didn't like at someone else's home rather than spit it out? Answer: 20%

So 80% of Americans spit out food in public? Rough!

Men are 250% more likely to die by accident than women are.

For accident read being very very stupid.

Number of Americans who are injured by their toilets every year? 45,000.

Please tell me how!

Percentage of Americans that use their sole or heel of the shoe to flush a public toilet: 50%

Surely stacking it onto the toilet floor is a huge possibility doing that. and what, don't they wash thier hands after anyway?

Percentage of men that leave the toilet seat up after peeing: 53.5%

Lies! All of them!

Odds that you will be injured by your TV this year? 1 in 7,000 - - probably all the summer reruns. . .
Again, please, how?!

Odds of dying from a plane falling on you this year: 1 in 25 million.

How exactly do you work that out?

Save Minty

Due to the tragic news that my favourite Benders character, the wonderful Minty Who Can Do No Wrong, has become an endangered species, suffering from the managerial attentions of the vile Ian AND being stalked by Enourmous Mo at the same time, I hearby set up the Save Minty appeal, to support him, comfort him and shout "Look out behind you!" whensoever it shall be necessary.
Those wishing to make financial donations should make the cheque payable to: Save Minty- Harpoon Gun Fund and mail them to: 29 Albert Square, Walford, London, E20
.

And while we're on Benders, I hereby bet:
Johnny Allen's mistress is a psycho who set the fire that killed Scarlett and her mum
Johnny Allen is grooming Stacy Slater for something, possibly 'Ho'dom, but whatever it is will backfire and take Ruby down in the fallout.
Kat wont be back for long, Jessie Wallace has had it.

Also:
Shane Richie for Dr. Who!

ISTBO Predictions Strike One?

In January the You-Must-Be-Fuckin'-Psychic Division of ISTBO predicted that: "By the end of the year Britney Spears will be pregnant, a full time Kabbalah Centre member, and probably getting a divorce. Once the Bergs meet Kevin, anyway."

Well, to take these one at a time, and to quote the National Enquirer "the four months pregnant star spent the Easter weekend brooding at her brother's Santa Monica pad" whilst her rat faced tramp husband whooped it up around Vegas because he "doesn't want another kid yet, but she's determined to have one". Far be it from me to suggest that it has as much to do with how fat she's gonna get, or to point out that he left his previous fiancee while she was pregnant for then teeny tart Britney. The Enquirer did that last week.
Lets be fair to the man, he has two children under three already, and is seemingly not bright enough to work out how not to have another one. He's obviously aware he shouldn't have any responsibility whatsoever, as he will be eternally rubbish at living up to it. He may be a weasel of the first water, but at least he's honest with himself about just wanting to drink, gamble and screw young slappers, or one young slapper if she's paying. Just look at the wedding, if there was a series called Desperate Footballers Wives Have Sex In The City, they'd probably have found the whole thing too flippant and tacky as a wedding episode, and gone for something more believable, like a topless threesome wedding in a jacuzzi at the Playboy mansion with Hef officiating in just a dog-collar and Church of Elvis insignia strategically placed. Of course, it might not be true. It could just all be jealousy, couldn't it Britney?

"Dear False Tabloids,

As you read this letter, I bet you are asking yourself: Who? Who, me? Am I a false tabloid? Well, I don't know. But after this posting, I hope you are asking yourself a lot of questions. Your employees are a reflection of your magazine. Do you, Us Weekly, In Touch, Star and other desperate magazines want employees who are honest, or those who are liars? It seems to me that you'd prefer the latter. I'm really concerned about the people you hire to work at your companies. I'd like them to ask themselves the question, "What am I lying to myself about?" Is it that you are 50 pounds overweight? Is it that your children aren't making wise decisions? Or is it maybe that your husband or boyfriend is cheating on you? Until you face what is going on in your life, I guess you'll remain a false tabloid.

Britney"

Um, Britney? They're reporters, not your mum. And really, coming from someone who actually makes 'Xtina' Aguillera look classy by comparison (note she got away totally with the 'Freedom Kiss' episode, Madonna didn't even slag her off for bad breath) it's not too convincing, is it?
So that's pregnant and heading marginally faster towards divorce than she did to getting married (downhill on wheels would be about the only way to achieve that at her current size). But what about Kabbalah, Britney?

"Madonna first introduced Kabbalah to me at a time in my life when it was much needed. It has helped me get rid of a lot of negative influences that were guiding me down the wrong path. There came a point where not even my family or my advisors had the answers I needed. The answers I was looking for were all in my heart. Through Kabbalah, I was able to look within myself, clear all the negative energy and turn my life around.

Now that the chaos has subsided, I finally feel as though I have the control I've wanted over my own destiny. I'm in a place where I can take Kabbalah seriously and truly learn from it."

So you're having a baby because the pop religion Madonna hooked you into says a woman's spiritual journey can't even begin until she's a mother, despite the fact that your husband really doesn't want one and everyone that has any reason, even just financial to care what you do says not to, you're heading for your second failed joke of a marriage before you hit twenty five, your career's sliding downhill as fast as your appearance and Dawn French makes a more convincing young sex kitten dressed up as you for comedy than you do when you're actually trying.
it is with great pleasure that I award you the first ISTBO 'TOLD YOU SO'.
Hardy ha ha ha.

Au Revoir JP

So bye bye Mr. The Pope. I, like the many other non Catholics in this country and tourists who have bought a t-shirt in Camden, have always considered you an icon, and one whose familiar image has always cheered my heart. So for the last time please join me in saying:

.

Amen.