Some of you may have received an email from me when The Media revealed that Tom Cruise was planning to eat Katie's placenta when the baby was born. "We're all thinking it," I said, "really hardcore Scientologists eat the whole baby."
Now we know. He bribed and brainwashed Katie, had her impregnated with a frozen alien-Elron hybrid embryo, then ate the resulting baby in order to absorb Elron's mystic power.
The race is now on to find a credible replacement baby. The London Scientology Centre has been moved from Tottenham Court Road to next door to a maternity hospital in Sarf London.
