My New T-Shirt

Hello Princess!

ISTBO MO- School Dinners Suck Shocker!

I am conducting a search, spreading my net as wide as I can, to find someone who went to a school that had nice lunches. Lunches that had some variety, that were cooked properly, that were not mostly additives and polystyrene, that were not left sitting festering in open trays at optimum bacteria development for hours before being served up by people who seemed to have put rather more of themselves into the food than was required of them in the way of dandruff and hairs etc. Please step forward that person, if you're out there. Anyone, anyone?
Right.
I'd also love to correspond with anyone who didn't complain to the dinner ladies, the school council, and their parents about the quality of their school dinners, and especially anyone who wasn't more or less literally told to fuck off and suffer by all those people.
Everybody knows school dinners are crap. School dinners have always been crap. Young cave children probably got the mankiest bit of mammoth toe going to fill them up between hunting-whilst-not-dying and fire-making lessons. But now of course, as it's an overamitious mockney TV chef who does adverts for that nice respectable Sainsbury's, we must all listen. They were talking about giving him a knighthood on the TV this morning. And why not, eh? Now that we've subverted the upper class back slapping, hero worship and civil service retirement package system by devaluing honours completely, dishing them out to any British person who manages to stagger past a finishing post, be it metaphorical or actual. It doesn't matter if it's a real achievement, as long as it's in public, and preferably destracts people from the nastier stuff that might have been in the news.
Because it's not a real achievement, is it? A nifty bit of timing, no doubt, allowing Tony and Co. to announce a popular raise in lunch budgets, pledge more money for dinner ladies pay and training, and generally act like they're listening and responding to the voting public just before an election. If I was Jamie I'd be slipping Jules a few quid to get a nice outfit and buy the kids matching Laura Ashley dresses so that they look charmingly English with their ickle blond ringlets in the photo of you all having dinner at number ten (or at Fifteen) with Tony and his brood, Blair and Oliver children alike gleefully tucking in to spinach and celeriac mash. Why what a favour you've done for the country, Jamie. Imagine how hideous it would have been if the government had tried to tackle the real problem the show threw up, rather than applying a nice little sticking plaster to the least part of it.
The real problem isn't the school dinners, is it? If hospital doctors are getting kids in throwing up partially formed shit because they're so constipated, and getting on for fifty percent of children are obese, is it even remotely possible that this is all down to school dinners? No. Clearly not. Like I said, my school dinners were bloody rubbish (private school, Jamie, so don't kid yourself your kids would have got any better than the state school ones, and we weren't allowed packed lunches, or allowed off the premises to buy food, or given anything edible to buy in the tuck shop other than crisps and chocolate), yet somehow I'm not seventeen stone with the early stages of bowel cancer, because my mother and father cared enough to feed me non-shite at home. If an eight year old child is thirteen stone, if a class full of northern children can mistake rhubarb for an onion, if a child's diet is so full of refined carbohydrates and fat that they shit once a season, I'd say that's not the nasty school not caring, I'd say it's FUCKING CHILD ABUSE.
The parents of those children should be put in bloody prison. We can bang them up for not sending the little darlings to school, but apparently feeding them stuff the parents a lot of the time wont eat themselves and condemning them to a lifetime of misery and ill health and an early death is fiiiiiiiiine. And what's the excuse? Because cooking proper food for them, or feeding them a range of things from an early age, or indeed doing any parenting that's harder than just giving in to them all the time is just too much effort. Fuck you, don't have kids then. What the hell did you think parenting would be like? And do you imagine for one minute that if you find it 'too hard' you can get away with not carrying on anyway? You don't have a choice. You have them, you have total responsibility for them until they're old enough to look after themselves, which is getting later and later as time goes on because parents are failing to give their kids the skills they need to live an independent life.
I know this might sound like it's all very well for me to say, and what about the kids whose main meal is at school etc etc. Well you'll find a ham and cucumber sandwich on wholemeal is a cheaper evening meal than a Pot Noodle (which is what one little darling on the show said he'd had for dinner). And shouldn't the government be making sure families have enough money to at least eat? I rather think so somehow. Isn't it nice for them to be able to stick a quid a week per child on school lunch budgets rather than give any real money to families on the poverty line?
That's what this is all about. It's far easier to do the popular thing in response to the celebrity cause of the week than to sort out the real issues. It's cheaper to improve school dinners than to give families real quality of life, even basic quality of life. It's easy to say "We're doing this because we care about the future of the nation" than to say "A vast number of you are terrible parents and you don't deserve to have children at all if that's all you care about them." There's no need. The punishment for these parents will come when there's no one to care if they're left starving and insane in their homes because their kids have died before them from obesity related diseases, or in prison from behavior that started with childhood hyperactivity and a total inability to concentrate. That's what's currently expected to happen.
But hey, if it stops us from having to watch the government trying to tackle real issues, bite the bullet and actually tell people who need it how to bring up their kids, give the fucker an award, switch the news off and tune in to 'Fat Friends'.

Easter Egg Hunt

Happy Easter! As a little present for you I have constructed a quiz in the spirit of Easter Egg hunts. All the items listed below were blog titles that are a reference to or quote from someone or something. All you have to do is copy it into an email, fill in the answers (hunting any down on the net you don't know if you're really looking to waste some time) and mail it to sincerelyboredoflondon@yahoo.co.uk Some may seem easy, but some readers are old or American...
Answers and winners soon. Good luck!

1)Sincerely Bored of London
2)Whilst pondering this I strike my head sharply on the ground.
3)How could yo leave me here so long with Uncle [Dubya] (last word changed)
4)I'm changing my name to Numchuck Vitch.
5)Black Betty
6)Mam, I am tonight.
7)I would go out tonight
8)Hello Princess
9)We worship you, Oh Brian
10)The early morning yell of horror...
11)Blame Canada
12)We have normailty. Anything you still can't cope with...
13)Forgive me.
14)If you feed a carrot for fun to terrorists
15)Reasons to be cheerful
16)Power to the People! (/black and white scarf)
17)We'll all go nuts about you!
18)God hates fags!
19)It's just a ride

20)Son, you're fucking high.

21)La Macaque Sur Mon Dos

ISTBO- For All The Cows

Scientists today unveiled the discovery that animals such as cows have emotions. GO. By the patron saint of ISTBO St. Sybil Fawlty and all I hold dear I say that is the most bleeding obvious thing I've heard all year.
Oh the lovely cows, they come up to the fence to see you and let you stroke their little hairdoos, they look at you with their pretty eyes and breathe sweet strawberry jam smelling breath at you. They lick the treacle rollers and moo happily as they fart in the sunshine, they talk to each other with ear semaphore so they don't have to stop chewing. They're nice to each other, they know when it's going to rain, they make friends with people even though some people are vets. They look after each other and come to the fence together to investigate you when they're young and too frit to come alone. All the big cows look after all the little cows, the boys look after the girls, and they can live in a field with twenty of their sisters and brothers and never fight. Of course cows have feelings. They have all the nice feelings and are much nicer than people. Cows even believe we have feelings despite massive evidence to the contrary. Next time you see a cow, hug it. You'll feel much better.

People Called Romanes They Go To The House

New £120,000 threshold for stamp duty. Merci Monsieur Brown, I have removed you from the little list accordingly. Please note removal from the list is by no means a permanent state of affairs, and you may replaced upon it for any future offenses committed.
Operatives in the field please note the rest of the list remains unchanged, and the weaponry is hidden where it always has been.

ISTBO Update

Sign in a shoe shop window in Carnaby St: Buy One Get One Free. Well done.

La Macaque Sur Mon Dos

What with the Da Vinci code and all its spawnings (it's all good fun, but if you're really bothered read 'Holy Blood and Holy Grail' instead), there has been a lot of discussion about the nature and location of the Holy Grail recently. Well stuff the Holy Grail, I know something much harder to find: somewhere near enough London that 'im indoors can still work here, far enough out that we don't feel like we still live in London and can breathe without it hurting, far enough out that the rent is significantly cheaper, but not so far out that the travel costs cancel out the savings on rent. It also has to be at least not less nice than Kentish Town, which seems to be somehow a lot harder than it sounds. I did start out with all these outlandish ideas about being able to get a cat finally, but I see now that I'm being totally unreasonable. Good job I don't want any kids, or the way things are going I should be getting stuff frozen now so that when I could finally afford even a place big enough to keep them in it's not biologically 30 years too late. Really truly I want to get all the way out of dodge, decamp to Devon and eat a lot of peaches, but for the foreseeable (which is slightly longer if you're me... Put those matches away!) the money is here, and I need the money to put in the bank so I can buy a house when I do get to Devon. All I need is somewhere that wont ruin me and all my plans to live in while I secure a permanent job for long enough to get a mortgage decision. But the further you go from London to look for lower rents, the more the travel costs to get back in to do the job to pay the rent. London is a big vampire mass that sucks the things you need most from you then sees what else it can extract when you think you've been bled past dry and have nothing left to lose and let your guard down because it would cost your last scrap of energy to keep it up. So unless I find said flat (in which case I fully expect to have a ruck with the Plantards about the bones and chests of documents in the cellar), or one of you is a millionaire who needs a multi coloured Lily Munster type to scare the kids away from your electric fences, someone handing out jobs in the BBC Radio Comedy Scriptwriting department for £17K and travel expenses paid, or someone with a flat to rent out somewhere with clean air and some trees within the £6 a day return fare to London radius that you're desperate to offload for under £600 a month, my options are: Get a job I'm utterly unqualified for because I wasted my time having my intelligence insulted by a bunch of dickhead archaeologists too thick to understand essays written in proper formal English when I should have been learning to type and do shorthand which can actually earn you some fucking money, give up completely and just shoot myself now, or move to fucking Woodford. That's how self-destructive a rage I'm in- I'm actually considering Woodford. And when they say 'That way madness lies', that's the direction the signpost points. I'll be arrested within a year for the utterly reasonable massacre of most of the teaching staff of my old school. I need the attention of a trained mental healthcare professional. Dear Claire, Sincerely, Bored of London, by the way; the police are getting younger every day.

Son, You're Fucking High.

ISTBO Enquiry Watch returns to your screens today with a thumping great MO award to anyone who was surprised that the army is 'Failing in its duty of care' with regards cadets. Well batter my arse with an instructors batton and send me running four hundred times round the mess hall! You could knock me down with a semi-automatic assault rifle. You mean those nice clean orderly looking chaps in the pretty uniforms are a bunch of violent hectoring bullies? You mean that people who have been trained to flatten maim and kill pick on any recruits with a shred of humanity left in them and bully them until they'll turn a weapon on anything they get a chance to just to vent their rage? Are you seriously trying to make me believe that amongst the people who sign their lives away to shoot and detonate and crush there are a few people who lack the ability to distinguish between legitimate and non-legitimate targets? No! Really, truly, honestly, not joking, actually? What dumb shit joins the army thinking it will be any different? When they say you're risking your life joining the army they're generally not talking about the unarmed civilians and rag-tag militias you'll be blanket bombing as the major threat to your life. They're talking about live fire exercises with a bunch of people only as qualified as you holding all the guns. They're talking about people for whom the police force didn't provide a sufficient level of discipline and action. They're talking about the fact that if you can't make it out of boot alive you have no damn business being on a battlefield... I'm not sure where people get the idea that they might like being in the army without getting the idea they'll be shouted at, pushed to the limit of human endurance and if possible beyond, and preferably unburdened of most of the usual needs, desires and boundaries of people who don't like to kill other people. From a Village People video? Have they not seen Starship Troopers? Full Metal Jacket? Private Benjemin? Did they catch the Elephant Walk sequence in The Jungle Book and think "Marching! That's the life for me!" and just not check out the fine detail? Did they think you get to skip the rough stuff and go straight to the red jacket and furry hat? Do not pass Baghdad, do not collect 200 bits of shrapnel in the arse? Let's be honest: if you wish to join the army for any reason other than to immerse yourself in an atmosphere of barely regulated violence with the constantly attendant risk of out and out homicidal madness you have absolutely no place in it whatsoever. If you want to smite the 'evadoh', fine. If you want to shoot guns and blow stuff up and you're not too bothered about what you shoot and blow up or about the intelligence, morals and judgment of the people choosing the targets, fine. If you like the machismo of uniforms and weapons and running around assault courses (so called because they assault you, not the other way around), fine. If you're thinking about saving the world, go find a radioactive spider and get yourself bitten. There's some question of raising the age at which you are allowed to join the army, because at 16 you're only considered old enough to reproduce and smoke Silk Cut, and not considered responsible enough to drink, drive a mini or get married without your mummy's permission or get a tattoo, so in the light of the fact you might get brutalized by people taught to brutalize people for longer than you have been and put there to make sure you wont turn and run screaming when someone tries to kill you, 16's perhaps not quite old enough. Never mind that you're deciding to put your life on the line even in basic training, never mind that you're agreeing to fight for causes determined by a government you're not considered responsible enough to vote for, never mind that you'll be taught to drive vehicles specifically designed to flatten people and buildings, and given weaponry the polis would shoot you on sight for carrying in the street regardless of your age, and trusted only to point it at the 'right' things, never mind that you're taught a range of combat skills that make even basic weaponry unnecessary- you might get bullied, so you're not quite old enough. 18 being fully old enough to cope with a bit of buggery and the odd head injury. The army is intended for people stupid or hard enough to join the army. It is Evolution In Action. If you join the army and get killed, that's your stupid fault. If you join the army and survive, you've obviously got skills, abilities or a skull thickness that will always be welcome in the gene pool. If you think you're the second sort and you're not, you're the first sort. DO YOU GET ME? (Sir! Yes Sir!) I DO NOT EXPECT TO HAVE TO TELL YOU MAGGOTS HOW HIGH TO JUMP! IN WAR THERE IS NO TIME TO ASK HOW HIGH! Put your hand against that wall, trooper....

Boots Sell Miffy Tissues!

I am too ill and beaten of the brain to post today, so here is a cow.

It's just a ride...

In the event London does get the Olympic games, those intending to attend the games please note- London is unsuitable for: Those under 5ft tall Those under 16 years of age Those with buggies or prams The pregnant The old The disabled The asthmatic, those with cardio-vascular conditions, or those with lungs not evolved to process carbon monoxide as a nutrient. Those not capable of maintaining a cruising speed of above 5mph when walking Those who object to traveling in conditions not legal for cattle en route to slaughter Those who expect persons in charge of a motor vehicle to be able to drive Those who expect persons with a job to speak good enough English to do that job (failure may be due to foreignness, accent, lack of education or lack of intelligence) The foreign, especially those who speak English at less then BBC newsreader standard. Those who expect persons getting paid for a job to actually do it Those who expect shop, restaurant, transport or other public service staff not to behave like they're doing you a favour Those who expect shop, restaurant, transport or other public service staff not to treat you like you're insane for asking them to do their job Those who expect persons in industries with specific safety requirements (such as transport, food preparation and sale etc) to comply with legal regulations that exist for that industry. Those who expect to walk down the street without being shoulder barged, stepped on, obstructed, harassed for money, sliced to pieces with paper cuts from people flyering, leered at, commented on or about within earshot due to dress, breast size, weight, general image etc. Those who expect to walk down the street without being insulted by various types of evangelist about their religion, political views or general beliefs. Those who expect to walk down the street without being confronted with photographs of inside out animals too graphic to be shown on television before midnight on Channel5. Those with a yearly salary less than £30,000 or equivalent. Those with a conscience. Those who expect, wish or even vainly hope to be ever treated with good manners or consideration. Those who believe being excluded or punished on the basis of falling into one of the above categories is in some way unfair. Enjoy your visit.

And you can't and you won't and you don't stop...

Today I have decided to bait a little hook I like to call gun lust. I love guns. When I was at school there was an army/airforce cadet unit. I didn't join it because I don't even like people asking me nicely to run around in the mud, let alone scream at me to run around in the mud in rock hard boots carrying my own body weight in equipment, and there are blind tourette's sufferers who would be safer pilots than me. However this meant the school was the proud owner of a covered rifle range and a cupboard full of guns (Bancroft's in Woodford Green, the cabinet's in the chemicals room on the top floor of the science block. Kill them all.), and one of the instructors ran rifle shooting lessons as a games option. Perfect for the not running around. The only even slight bad point was that although the cadets sometimes got to shoot outside, we were only allowed on the range. Seems you have to have demonstrated a willingness to kill people to be allowed to shoot in the direction of the Prep school..... Anyway, I learned to shoot, I wasn't bad at it, and I loved it! Guns are great fun. Shooting one give you a great rush. If they hadn't banned handguns after Dunblane (that was worth it, taking the guns off the people who had registered them and were prepared to just hand them over when asked, and gun crime has gone up since...), I'd have taken up shooting as a hobby years ago. I'm not particularly up for shooting birds, because it's not my bag (sorry), I don't get a kick out of killing things. But if my dad who now lives in the country were to offer to take me clay pigeon shooting, I'd have my headphones on and be knocked on my arse from the kick of the shotgun quick as anything. If I lived in a country where handguns were legal, (and once you have laws like they do in America there's really no sensible way back) I'd be down at the range a good few times a week, because it's just so much fun! Once you've shot a gun once you just want to do it again and again. I'd be looking for any opportunity to do some shooting. Of course, a big part of why it's so satisfying as an activity is the feeling you get of hitting the target as near to bang in the centre as possible.The feeling of godlike power you get is just a bonus. And shooting targets is just not even comparable to wanting to shoot other things for other reasons. It's just a sport. Not even a cruel one. Of course if I had one in my house and the law didn't insist it be locked away the whole time, anyone breaking into my house better be wearing a steel cricket box, cos I would not let the bastard off by aiming to kill. So why shouldn't have gun laws more like Americas? See Above.

God hates fags!

I was mailed a link to an article about 'Judeo-Christian' values the other day (by a person who, if he's reading this, I respect the opinions of and do not assume he agrees with everything the author says), and at the moment I am in total confusion as to specifically what these values that Jews and Christians have that people with different religions don't. It can't be believing in a god, or as he puts it "Instead of being guided by God, the Bible and religion, great numbers... have looked elsewhere for moral and social guidelines." because most religions have a set of principles and rules and often texts that people look to for guidance. It can't be believing in the same god, because the god of the Old Testament has a rather different personality and set of priorities than the god of the New Testament. It can't be things like not being ragingly foul to each other and not raping maiming and killing thy neighbor, because every religion tells you not to do those things, and most religions have broken one or other of those rules as a group trying to convince people how right they are about not doing them.
His main objection (his name is Dennis Prager and you can find him at www.townhall.com) is as follows: "The entire edifice of moral relativism, a foundation of leftist ideology, is built on the notion of feelings deciding right and wrong. One man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter."
He goes on to list the following things as examples of how this leads you to go wrong:
"War is not the answer"
"animals-and-humans-are-equivalent"
"support of liberals for radically redefining the basic institution of society, marriage and the family"
"sympathy for homosexuals"
"The "self-esteem movement" -- now conceded to have been a great producer of mediocrity and narcissism -- was entirely a liberal invention based on feelings for kids."
"The liberal preoccupation with whether America is loved or hated"
"the entire worth of the human fetus is determined by the mother's feelings"
"Elevating motives above results"

But admits:
"Patriotism is largely a feeling; religious faith is filled with emotion, and religion has too often been dictated by emotion"

Now, the things he ascribes to a lackof these unspecified Judeo-Christian values (and I don't want to be ignorant and prejudiced myself by suggesting those only consist of 'Don't be gay' and 'Don't have abortions', but these are the only examples I ever get given) fall in to two categories- things I broadly agree with, and things that not only Jews and Christians believe. Things I broadly agree with, for example are that yes, sometimes war is the answer, and I'm grateful to every soldier who ensured the situation where I have friends who are Jewish and every other minority Hitler would have no doubt got around to wiping out eventually if he'd had his way. I agree that animals and humans aren't the same or of the same kind of importance. It was a bloody disgrace to waste so much time on fox hunting when there were so many more important issues that could have been worked on. Animals do have an importance, the food chain and interdependent nature of the natural world being a good example, and deserve not to be unnecessarily poorly treated, but I am higher up the food chain by dint of opposable thumbs, and I shall continue to use my thumbs to hold my bacon sarnie. I also agree with criticism of this 'Don't hurt the ickle children's feelings by telling them how to behave' nonsense. It leads to the deeply unhappy out of control kids we saw on Brat Camp (in every case blatantly the parents fault for spoiling them and being lousy people and lousy parents) and to greater stress for those of us who have to be on public transport with them.
The thing is, I wasn't bought up 'Christian', my parents went to church and Sunday school as young people, but they never took me. And I must have been smacked about a half dozen times ever. Somehow although I'm a raving loony, I'm not a total brat and I never have been. Practical upshot: there were never any rows about me going to clubs etc cos I knew without having to ask I was going nowhere until I was legally old enough or without respec'ing my mother with the details of where I was going and Mi Janey's mobile number in case of emergencies. She's happy, I'm happy. Trust earned, good times had.
As to the things I agree less with, concern about people saying it's ok to be gay, concern about the different types of family that exist these days and so on, I always got the impression from the (for example) Hindu and Muslim kids at school who had conservative parents that these were issues for them too. So it's conservative members of most religions, not just the 'J-C' brigade.
As to 'elevating motives above results', history has taught us to be careful of things being the thin end of a bad wedge. The intentions of the people lobbying for certain laws may not be that they are one day used to persecute people, but you have to be very careful about the precedent you are setting. If you can declare one group of people, say homosexuals, to be less equal than others, what group can you later not declare to be less equal? Women? Old people? The disabled? Can you swear to me there'll never be another Hitler? Can you swear to me it wont be in America or Britain?
Then we come to the issue of using 'feelings' as a basis for decisions. What is the effect of your conscience if not to give you a feeling? And what is the dislike of homosexuals if not a feeling of disgust? That is the basis of most people's objections to gayness. "It's disgusting, it's not natural!" Ok. Tell that to the penguins. Yes, I'd not relish getting sticky with a lady myself, as it goes. Doesn't bother me if someone else does though. As it goes I'm not up for batty action either, but as long as it's not aimed at my batty I don't care who is.
The idea that it is even remotely possible for what someone else does in the bedroom to affect me (unless you mean in a 'my sister making me an aunt' -don't, by the way- way) is utterly ridiculous. And I know someone with a gay mum. She's not gay, even a tiny bit. And of all the men I'd trust to be responsible babysitters to any kids I might catch in the future if my vaccination fails me, the gay ones would be highest on the list. The straight ones have more of a tendency to get the beer out and stick a horror film/Slipknot album on, and I'd far rather they watched 'The Sound of Music' or listened to Abba (sorry, I'm allowed a couple of gay jokes, I'm being affectionate). If you are allowed to ban people from shagging people because you find it disgusting, can I ban the 'Fat girls and Feeders' and the middle aged leather clad wife swappers you see on channel 5?
So I would ask anyone reading this who knows what these values that only Jews and Christians have, that both Jews and Christians have (I'll let you off on 'all Jews and Christians have') to post as a comment or email to me one value that you have that you would expect me as a pagan not to have, and one each for as many other religions as you can manage that you would expect them no to have. Then I'll know where I'm going wrong, wont I?

We'll all go nuts about you!

Listening to the Presidents again has really improved my mood! I dug out all the cds i had put away because it was too painful to be reminded of what I'd lost, and it's chilled me out so much i'm not even going to rant on about Eastenders putting on a whole hour of absolute rubbish where nothing actually happened from 7pm just to spite ITV for putting emmerdale on for an hour. Instead I'm going to tell you my three favourite jokes. If you ring Suggs up and win £25000 with any of them you can buy me a cow to say thankyou.

What's ET short for?
Cos he's only got little legs.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers.

What do you get if you play a country song backwards?
You get your dog back, you get your house back, you get your wife back, you get your job back...

Whilst pondering this I strike my head sharply on the ground.

Some things in life are bad, they can really make you mad. Other things just make you swear and curse. When you're chewing on life's gristle, don't grumble, give a whistle, and this'll help things turn out for the best, and:

Give up any delusions of normality you may have. Sooner or later everyone is the minority.

Remember: if it's not a cock up, it's a conspiracy. There's no other effective way of getting things done.

"They" deserve everything they get, but the people who decide who they are are usually more they than them.

An apparent free lunch is a cast iron guarantee you have been ripped off previously.

When beginning a sentence "You'd think...", remember if they did think you probably wouldn't need to say it.

If the Romans hadn't done it for us, someone else would have sooner or later.

If you want it to go away, don't try to ban it.

Don't be afraid to call an arsehole an arsehole, regardless of what gender, sexuality, colour, religion or physical condition they are in. Thinking "they" can't be as crap as "us" is just prejudice.

Remember rules are there to make your life more stressful, not to make the busses run on time. Rules make everyone's life equally difficult, fascists make the busses run on time. There's never a halfway point.

Don't imagine 'supply and demand' means the shops stock what you want or need. They supply it and demand you be bankrupt and hypothermic or so last season...

Don't waste money on a TV guide. Eastenders is Mon-8, Tue-7.30 (except tonight), Thur -7.30, Fri-8. There's very seldom anything else on.

Those who really need help never qualify for it.

Just because someone persecutes you or makes your life a misery because of their principles doesn't mean they can live by them.

If you think you've found a bright side of life to look on, tell all your friends. They will point out to you where you're going wrong.